Just came to say Hello

I’ve been struggling for many years with my religious identity, and the very problem begins with being boxed in to a category. At best, I’ve identified as spiritual, but I still feel like something’s missing. For those who don’t know (and I’ll make this quick), I was baptized Catholic and went to Catholic school from K - college. The older I grew the more I felt myself growing away from the church. I’ve seen so much corruption and hypocrisy that I just can’t fuck with Catholicism. Then I tried to just identify as simply Christian but even then I didn’t feel like I belonged. I still couldn’t identify with it. I tried, and I tried, and I tried, but there were still so many things I had conflict with and I just couldn’t align myself with it.

So anyway, this morning I had an “aha!” moment. I’ve realized that my problem is that I’ve been forcing myself to try to identify with a Western religion and quite simply might not fit for me. Having lived in a WASP-country my whole life, I’ve felt like Christianity was my only option. I’ve realized now that what I’m looking for is not so much a deity to pray to, but rather timeless guidance that’s teaches love, compassion, hard work, etc. Now Christianity and other religions certainly have that too, but look at how gay people are treated, or atheists are judged for not believing and wanting to be saved.

What I’m getting to is that I see my ideals and values most closely aligned with Buddhism. I’m not saying I want to be all gung ho about it, but I would love to have some kind of spiritual foundation. I did a little research this morning and I can really see this being something I take more seriously. There’s a Buddhist temple a few miles from where I live and I’m working up the courage to stop by and see what’s up. We’ll see what happens from there.

Eight years ago today my grandma left the world and her soul found peace. I wish she was still around to see her grandkids. We would’ve had a lot of fun, especially with her vulgar and hilarious sense of humor. Rest in peace grandma Elisa :)

Tatted up. High school drop out. 2 DUI’s + a previous record. 20 years old. That’s one hell of a combination for someone so young, yet this is the life of my cousin. To describe the last couple years of his life as simply ‘teen rebellion’ would be an understatement. The things I would hear about him made me fear for his life. Just last week we celebrated his 20th birthday, a day I thought would be celebrated locked up or deceased.

Just yesterday, though, I gave him a ride too class at the local community college. He was actually excited and optimistic about his new schedule. I never thought I’d see the day he went back to school. While his classes are somewhat remedial, this is the perfect opportunity for him to build up his self-confidence. His self-confidence was taken from him over the years of hearing from his teachers, peers, and general society who told him he was dumb and a thug. I never for a second believed that; in fact, I’ve always believed him to be very intelligent.

I know it’s still very early in this new chapter of his life, but I’m confident life has taught him enough lessons to last a lifetime. I’m so incredibly proud of him, I can’t even begin to imagine how his mom feels :)

I know this sounds super lame, but I’m really proud of myself for not giving into my serious craving for a diet coke yesterday. I craved one for HOURS and was able to fight it. Giving up pop was one my New Years Resolutions and I was doing really well until last weekend when I was in Vegas, but now that I’m back no more exceptions. I GOT THIS!!

openthejar:

All that glisters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told:
Many a man his life hath sold
But my outside to behold:
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
Had you been as wise as bold,
Young in limbs, in judgement old
Your answer had not been inscroll’d
Fare you well, your suit is cold.

William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

Today was the second day that I did the insanity workout. I must admit it’s really nice having a 40 minute workout that burns at least 400 calories. I didn’t go to the gym today because I’m a huge baby and didn’t want to brave the cold. The windchill is below zero, can you blame me?! One of my New Years Resolutions was to work out twice a day and this will make that goal more feasible.

I’m looking forward to seeing which of my muscles will be sore tomorrow morning :)